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Unique Costs of Companionship and Marriage
Each cell contains an intensity of response, such as 'high' or 'low'. The cells contain the following definitions: A. Man's expectation of a woman's commitment B. Man's expectation of a woman going to another man C. Woman's expectation of a man's commitment D. Woman's expectation of a man going to another woman The best relationship would be one where both the man and the woman feel that the other is highly committed to the relationship and is at low risk of becoming involved with someone else. The worst relationship would be one where both the man and woman feel that the other is poorly committed to the relationship and is at high risk to become involved with someone else. Commitment, or more accurately entrustment, is a pledge to take a certain course of action in the future, with implied penalties if one does not. Male-female relationships demand a larger set of promises than other relationships; they must abide by certain rules concerning the amount of time, support, praise, consideration, advice and money one person gives to another. Further, the loss of someone involves a complete or nearly complete abandonment. There might be some future contact, but intimacy is limited and information and opinions are restricted. The two factors of commitment and risk of loss are largely independent. Let us examine a few unexpected combinations. One could be poorly committed to a relationship, yet not be very prone to start a committed (exclusive) relationship with another person (low commitment, low risk of loss). This scenario is more likely to occur when independence is an important goal in life. When independence is high then there is a tug of war between two factors: The individual and another individual, or the individual and a situation, such as a career. For example, if a woman is caught between two men, A <- F -> B, and she wishes to obtain satisfaction from A, but also likes to do the same with B, then there can be little or no commitment to either lest they bog her down. It should be understood, however, that she might not wish to leave either man, thus her chance of ending a relationship is low, although her level of commitment is also low. Also, one could be highly committed to someone and still be attracted to another person (high commitment, high risk of loss), a situation which occurs when there is a sense of duty but inadequate knowledge about and valuation of the first relationship. Thus, self-centeredness is the source of the problem in the first situation, and ignorance is the source of the problem in the second. Once a friendship is established, and the individual feels that there is a future for the couple, the themes of entrustment and fidelity become even more significant as the level of investment increases. The level of continued entrustment is often predicated on how easily an individual can find another person that will be at least an equal substitute. Based on utilitarian concepts, if the male presence is low, and female presence high, then it is easy for any particular man to find another woman, thus making his commitment to his current female partner fairly low. When companionship is valued highly and people become 'cost-conscious', each individual assigns a certain approximate probability to finding another friend of the opposite sex if the present one is lost. If there is, for example, a 20% chance of losing a man due to a small surplus of females, and taking a man's commitment into account, then a woman for example with a very high educational attainment will have reason to worry, for she knows the difficulty that awaits in finding another man with similar educational status if this current relationship misfires. She could well rush to engage in physical intimacy in order to deepen the bond and increase his commitment (a situation which creates a form of pseudo-marriage). On the other hand, a woman of average education, such as a high-school graduate, might not turn to such a manipulative enterprise in order to 'capture' a man, because if her boyfriend leaves her, the loss would not be excessive. The cost of finding another man of average education (as opposed to high education) is low, as there are greater numbers of such men compared to the numbers of men of low or high educational attainment. Thus, there are two types of cross-sex relationship: Friend and lover. The greatly divergent responsibilities of each leaves a clear social dichotomy that only the most foolhardy would dare to ignore. Although it is common for single men and women to go out frequently on dates, any longer term dating relationship necessitates reflections on marriage. There must be a change from one of friendship to one of love relationship. Unfortunately, in an independence driven society, 'deepening' a relationship, usually results in a deplorable and offensive vacillation and wavering in attitudes and behaviour. Thus, any deeper relationship must proceed with the perhaps unsaid understanding that both partners are readying for life-long entrustment. The form of the relationship requires resolution to enquiries, but not necessarily commitment. Courting is a series of informal meetings between members of the opposite sex, that fundamentally are a loosening, if not a rejection, of the individual's independence, and are usually as a prelude to more intimate relations and marriage. The goal of courtship is to provide a period where the couple get to know one another, their backgrounds, their likes and dislikes, their attitudes, their hopes and fears. If the couple feel that they are then able to live with each other, and if they feel that they cannot live without each other (a somewhat romantic notion), and if the fundamental pragmatic factors are in place (namely the availability of housing, job, minimal income for food and clothing, furniture), then they would consent to marry. The context and timing in which such meetings occur are socially and culturally determined. There is great variation of form, ranging from meetings planned and supervised closely by parents to fully independent decision-making by young people. In times past, men and women met in informal situations at people's homes, at gatherings, and in church. There were no clubs, bars, dating services or other means, and connections were usually arranged by family members. Such contact through personal networks meant that the door of one's home could admit many potential partners and suitors in safety and discretion. In European cultures, the tradition has been one that stressed close supervision, but it has never included or tolerated actual decision-making by parents as a general rule, except in certain unusual circumstances. Unless a society was on the verge of penury or relatively great fortunes were involved, people saw fit to allow their children to marry whom they wished, although voicing an opinion was not uncommon. Dating forms only one aspect of courtship. Courtship can be seen as a process encompassing a number of factors: Understanding each other, increasing desire for each other's company, establishing the rules of the relationship and preparing the way for marriage and lifetime companionship. Mental adjustments must always precede material changes, and so time must be given for rearrangement of internal and external resources and dynamics. Independence is an asset in this case as it allows an individual the time to complete the phases of courting and to walk away from the relationship if serious problems come to be revealed. This process can be broken down into the following phases Exploration, Assessment, Building, Execution: A. EXPLORATION. To find another person that meets the minimum criteria of goodness for a mate. The individual searches for a person that will meet his standards, which might include level of extroversion, ambition, career plans, material philosophy, views on children, home life, social life, politics, morals and ethics. He can use a variety of resources, such as friends' recommendations, personal statements, or biographies. Although it can last several years, this phase is probably the most important since a high achievement here will mean much lower level of effort in later phases. There is no a priori time limit, apart from the one culture imposes, because there is no control over the variety of people one is likely to encounter. Much is based on probability, although one can increase the odds of finding individuals who meet the requirements by engaging third parties in the search. Care must be taken to verify all pertinent characteristics; untruthfulness and inaccuracy, things one must always guard against, can be very common in self-descriptions. B. ASSESSMENT. To discover what the individual will find necessary to adjust in order to have a successful marriage. Needless to say, no one will ever perfectly fit one's criteria. No matter how well one explores, one will always have to make certain sacrifices to accommodate the essential hopes of the other person. Thus, the individual must now understand what he will have to do to please the other person. This could mean changes in school plans, career goals, leisure time, time spent socialising; it might mean delaying certain activities he now takes for granted. If he is able to accept these changes then he can move on to the next phase, if not then the courtship should be ended. This phase can last a few months. Since the particulars of his potential mate have been verified in the previous phase, the individual, who presumably knows himself better than he knows anyone else, can fairly quickly resolve what changes must be made and whether he can or cannot tolerate them. C. BUILDING. To prepare to implement the changes in lifestyle and personality. The individual must now make allowances in his behaviour and possibly find alternatives to his original life goals. If his future wife insists on getting a better education, for example, he will have to look for a school and the funding. If she wishes for him to stop spending so much time with his friends, he will have to ease himself out of these relationships without giving offense. He will have to prepare himself psychologically for a new life. The temporal extent of this phase is the most unpredictable. Depending on what changes were agreed upon, it might last from a few weeks to many years. In previous generations, couples would remain engaged for years until they felt that they had obtained a requisite amount of education, secured good employment and had saved enough money to buy or rent a residence that was to their liking. D. EXECUTION. To implement the changes in lifestyle that a person has agreed to do. If both people have made earnest attempts at change, if they have fully cooperated, there is an excellent chance that the marriage will be successful, more successful, in fact, than either could have imagined. This phase should clearly begin before marriage, although realistically it will probably be several years before all the changes have finally been made. It is not uncommon that in the first three to five years of marriage husband and wife tend to maintain a significant variability in traits, after which they tend to converge more. (1) A succeeds in pleasing B, which works for awhile but then A finds it difficult so reverts back to old ways or turns to another equally unacceptable manner of behaviour. A tries again but this time with a different approach, which might then succeed in the longer term. Thus, we go from a cursory examination of another person to a friendship, on to deeper friendship and then finally to marriage. At all phases there must be the consideration of how likely it is that this friend will leave for another, and how seriously this person takes the nature of the relationship. Further, the pace of the phases is predicated to a certain extent on one or the other finding alternative partners; this probability might actually increase with growing friendship, as one can look for someone new as weaknesses are revealed in a friend. There are few modern cultures that have been examined in detail about their courtship practises, and surveys of previous cultures themselves often mention the fact that whatever practise is described might be highly local. Further, these surveys view the courtship situation from the outside, focussing on material considerations, not emotional or psychological changes. A community in Andalusia (2) is probably representative of a modern culture grounded in traditional mores mirroring a pre-modern rural society, especially one which tolerated marriage later in life. People in this region tend to have conservative social values, separate roles according to sex, but young people still easily fraternise with one another, limiting this social intercourse after courtship begins. They show great care in choosing a mate, going through a lengthy courtship process that might easily last five to seven years. There are three phases: The secret phase, lasting six months to a year, where a man and woman meet informally, usually without the knowledge or approval of parents (corresponding to phase A above); the romantic phase, lasting one to two years, where the formal courtship begins (as a lead-in to marriage) and the couple intensify their relationship, become comfortable with each other's personalities and temperaments, and where the families get to know one another (B and C above); the contribution phase, lasting one to four years, where arrangements are made procuring the a house, bed, other furniture, and so on (D above). During this last phase, the economic status of each family is quietly assessed, and the families come to some kind of an agreement as to what each will contribute, with an emphasis on complete fairness. The woman and her family are often expected to contribute furnishings and the man and his family are expected to contribute the house itself. Preparation usually begins even before the couple begin their courtship, but intensifies once the couple decide to eventually marry. (3) The social focus is on phases C and D, and courtship is an informal, but by no means casual, contract, where each party is expected to provide certain minimum contributions as set by culture and other contributions as promised. It is apparent that people are not especially fearful of losing a potential mate to someone else, nor do people seem to lack commitment. Starting the marriage out well materially is uppermost in everyone's mind, and indeed, the problems of adjustment that occur in the first years of marriage can be magnified if the couple struggles to find acceptable living quarters, buy furniture and other items, or to live up to a desired standard. In this particular culture, inheritance is a troubling issue, the root of many family problems, with siblings quarrelling over shares. Community members are careful to be quiet about their household affairs as envy is rampant; even the realisation of small differences between households can precipitate acrimonious relations. These observations might very well be true in many other regions, but to a certain extent reflect the temperament, and thus the innate character, of the people. Hence, it would at least appear that an exogenous variable or variables have a major influence on the courtship process, that it is the economy and culture that 'call the shots' when it comes to the courtship process. People must abide by the demands of material necessity as to how long it will take to reach the personal ideal. The better the economy, the shorter the courtship period, other things being the same. Psychological factors are often not specifically addressed, with the old assumption being made that the couple will 'grow' in love. Naturally, the psychological needs of the individual are paramount, but many other factors could produce the desire to marry than simply to maintain a deep friendship with the opposite sex. We can see, however, that the specific primary needs for companionship can be buried under other considerations, which can ultimately wreak havoc with those primary needs. It should be understood that the basic psychological principles of evaluating entrustment and fidelity, as discussed above, are always active. __________________________ 1. Tambs & Moum, 1992. 2. Uhl, 1989. 3. Although the literature on family life is voluminous, there is astonishingly little on modern courtship practises. Research is particularly sparse on European cultures other than that of England, America, France or Spain. One does not know why there is this paucity of research. Perhaps courtship is too commonly thought of as a 'ritualised process' and since dating practises leading up to marriage are hardly this, 'courtship' is seen as no longer existing. Even if courtship is not highly structured, there is little doubt that it does form a pattern. The very absence of restrictions or guidelines on dating is part of courtship pattern and must be investigated. All rights reserved. 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