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Taking it to the Limit - Deepening Friendships The form of the relationship requires resolution to enquiries, but not necessarily commitment. Courting is a series of informal meetings between members of the opposite sex, that fundamentally are a loosening, if not a rejection, of the individual's independence, and are usually as a prelude to more intimate relations and marriage. The goal of courtship is to provide a period where the couple get to know one another, their backgrounds, their likes and dislikes, their attitudes, their hopes and fears. If the couple feel that they are then able to live with each other, and if they feel that they cannot live without each other (a somewhat romantic notion), and if the fundamental pragmatic factors are in place (namely the availability of housing, job, minimal income for food and clothing, furniture), then they would consent to marry. The context and timing in which such meetings occur are socially and culturally determined. There is great variation of form, ranging from meetings planned and supervised closely by parents to fully independent decision-making by young people. In times past, men and women met in informal situations at people's homes, at gatherings, and in church. There were no clubs, bars, dating services or other means, and connections were usually arranged by family members. Such contact through personal networks meant that the door of one's home could admit many potential partners and suitors in safety and discretion. In European cultures, the tradition has been one that stressed close supervision, but it has never included or tolerated actual decision-making by parents as a general rule, except in certain unusual circumstances. Unless a society was on the verge of penury or relatively great fortunes were involved, people saw fit to allow their children to marry whom they wished, although voicing an opinion was not uncommon. Dating forms only one aspect of courtship. Courtship can be seen as a process encompassing a number of factors: Understanding each other, increasing desire for each other's company, establishing the rules of the relationship and preparing the way for marriage and lifetime companionship. Mental adjustments must always precede material changes, and so time must be given for rearrangement of internal and external resources and dynamics. Independence is an asset in this case as it allows an individual the time to complete the phases of courting and to walk away from the relationship if serious problems come to be revealed. This process can be broken down into the following phases Exploration, Assessment, Building, Execution: Thus, we go from a cursory examination of another person to a friendship, on to deeper friendship and then finally to marriage. At all phases there must be the consideration of how likely it is that this friend will leave for another, and how seriously this person takes the nature of the relationship. Further, the pace of the phases is predicated to a certain extent on one or the other finding alternative partners; this probability might actually increase with growing friendship, as one can look for someone new as weaknesses are revealed in a friend. There are few modern cultures that have been examined in detail about their courtship practises, and surveys of previous cultures themselves often mention the fact that whatever practise is described might be highly local. Further, these surveys view the courtship situation from the outside, focussing on material considerations, not emotional or psychological changes. We find that a community in the Andalusia region of Spain is probably representative of a modern culture grounded in traditional mores mirroring a pre-modern rural society, especially one which tolerated marriage later in life. People in this region tend to have conservative social values, separate roles according to sex, but young people still easily fraternise with one another, limiting this social intercourse after courtship begins. They show great care in choosing a mate, going through a lengthy courtship process that might easily last five to seven years. There are three phases: The secret phase, lasting six months to a year, where a man and woman meet informally, usually without the knowledge or approval of parents; the romantic phase, lasting one to two years, where the formal courtship begins (as a lead-in to marriage) and the couple intensify their relationship, become comfortable with each other's personalities and temperaments, and where the families get to know one another; the contribution phase, lasting one to four years, where arrangements are made procuring the a house, bed, other furniture, and so on. During this last phase, the economic status of each family is quietly assessed, and the families come to some kind of an agreement as to what each will contribute, with an emphasis on complete fairness. The woman and her family are often expected to contribute furnishings and the man and his family are expected to contribute the house itself. Preparation usually begins even before the couple begin their courtship, but intensifies once the couple decide to eventually marry. The social focus is on the building and execution phases, and courtship is an informal, but by no means casual, contract, where each party is expected to provide certain minimum contributions as set by culture and other contributions as promised. It is apparent that people are not especially fearful of losing a potential mate to someone else, nor do people seem to lack commitment. Starting the marriage out well materially is uppermost in everyone's mind, and indeed, the problems of adjustment that occur in the first years of marriage can be magnified if the couple struggles to find acceptable living quarters, buy furniture and other items, or to live up to a desired standard. In this particular culture, inheritance is a troubling issue, the root of many family problems, with siblings quarrelling over shares. Community members are careful to be quiet about their household affairs as envy is rampant; even the realisation of small differences between households can precipitate acrimonious relations. These observations might very well be true in many other regions, but to a certain extent reflect the temperament, and thus the innate character, of the people. It would at least appear that external influences have a major influence on the courtship process, that it is the economy and culture that 'call the shots' when it comes to the courtship process. People must abide by the demands of material necessity as to how long it will take to reach the personal ideal. The better the economy, the shorter the courtship period, other things being the same. Psychological factors are often not specifically addressed, with the old assumption being made that the couple will 'grow' in love. Naturally, the psychological needs of the individual are paramount, but many other factors could produce the desire to marry than simply to maintain a deep friendship with the opposite sex. We can see, however, that the specific primary needs for companionship can be buried under other considerations, which can ultimately wreak havoc with those primary needs. It should be understood that the basic psychological principles of evaluating entrustment and fidelity, as discussed above, are always active. All rights reserved. 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